CC Madhya Lila 24.9: “Generally by Myself I cannot give an explanation, but by the strength of your association something may manifest itself.” (Lord Chaitanya to Sanatana Goswami)

CC Madhya Lila 24.312: “Now, due to your association, another meaning has awakened.  It is due to your devotional service that these waves of meaning are arising.” (Lord Chaitanya to Sanatana Goswami)

In both the above verses, Lord Chaitanya expresses his inability to understand the text alone. He says that Sanatana Goswami’s presence enabled him to understand.

Hearing this was a pivotal moment in our discussion journey. Our experience to this point had been very frustrating for both of us. We regularly impeded each other’s ability to understand by dismissing the other’s efforts. This is so easy to do with little throwaway comments like, “Yes, but that’s not the main point”. At other times, we would change the subject, altogether ignoring the other person’s point. I wonder if you’ve ever experienced this (or done it yourself). You say something, and when you stop, the other person makes a completely unrelated comment.

It’s hard to deepen our understanding of Srila Prabhupada’s teachings when our discussion partner’s antipathy cancels our every attempt to connect with either Srila Prabhupada or them. We struggled with this until, at last, we heard the above CC verses. We asked ourselves what Sanatana did to make Lord Chaitanya enthusiastic to speak. If we could get some insight into this question, maybe we could learn to be more mutually supportive.

Insights from Stephen Covey

Around the time we heard the above section of the Caitanya Caritamrta, we also read two other books: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey, and How to Speak so Kids Will Listen; and Listen so Kids will Speak by Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber. Both introduced us to the vital importance of empathic listening in promoting good communication.

Stephen Covey writes:

“The one who listens does the most work, not the one who speaks.”

The above statement echoed Lord Caitanya’s sentiments when He credited Sanatana Goswami for what He understood. So, we decided to try to hear each other empathically. When one of us would say something, the other would actively reflect what they understood. This development in our discussion technique really helped, but we discovered that it only worked if our mood was right. If we reflected half-heartedly or disrespectfully, it was as unhelpful as our previous practices of marginalising and ignoring each other. Covey supports this discovery in the following extract from his book:

“Empathic listening skills, in part, give others psychological air (open space where a person may explore feelings, vent emotions, and feel understood without being judged.) These skills include capturing feelings from nonverbal cues, listening attentively, and phrasing empathic responses clearly, supportively, and sincerely.  But while all these skills are important, attitude is even more important for allowing others psychological air. To work effectively, skills must be built on a caring attitude and sincere desire to understand.”

Obstacles to empathic listening and attendant problems

Many of us can find it challenging to sincerely understand our discussion partners, especially if we think they are our spiritual ‘juniors’. As fathers, for example, we may feel it’s a waste of time to hear our wife or child actively and carefully. There may be a deeply held belief that they should hear from me because I know better than them. This dynamic can also occur between ‘senior’ and ‘junior’ devotees. This will impede the discussion process, for if we consistently refuse to hear someone, they will likely gradually become disinclined to listen to us.  

Some benefits to overcoming our resistance to empathic hearing

From our years of discussing with various devotees, including our children, we have learned that Krishna often spoke through them for our benefit. He can instruct us through anyone since He is in everyone’s heart. Lord Chaitanya alludes to this in the following verse:

“Lord Krishna is very merciful to you because by bewildering My mind, He has exposed His personal opulence and sweetness. He has caused you to hear all these things from Me for your understanding.” (Lord Chaitanya to Sanatana Goswami, CC Madhya Lila 21.145)

Furthermore, the best way to encourage others to hear us is by first hearing them. Example is better than precept. By modelling active hearing, we encourage our wife, child, or other ‘spiritual junior’ to do likewise. 

Mutually respectful hearing generates a favourable culture for discussing Srila Prabhupada’s purports enabling all concerned to have an enjoyable and beneficial learning experience. 

Below are some examples of empathic listening from sastra:

Verse: “Hearing these matters, four-headed Brahma, overwhelmed by a vast treasure of transcendental joy, quietly repeated and agreed with each point he was taught, and then offered his respects again and again at the feet of the Lord.”

Commentary: “….To show understanding of the Lord’s words, Brahma dutifully repeated each point, and confirmed that he agreed completely, before the Lord continued with the next.” -Sri Brihad-Bhagavatamrita; Part Two; Chapter 2 text 134:

In the Srimad-Bhagavatam 3.7.21-23, Vidura reflects what he understood Maitreya said in earlier chapters. 

Similarly, in Srimad Bhagavatam 6.1.1-5, Pariksit Maharaja summarises what he has understood Sukadeva Goswami to have taught so far.