HELP your discussion partner develop their own understanding by using empathic hearing skills.
When we first started discussing Srila Prabhupada’s purports at home we would often feel frustrated by the end of a discussion due to subtle rivalry between us. There are so many ways we can make each other feel alienated, and we tried them all. For example, we would marginalize the other person’s understanding. This is so easy to do with little throw away comments like, “yes, but that’s not the main point”. Or we could just ignore the point the other person made. I wonder if you’ve ever experienced this (or done it yourself). You say something, and when you stop, the other person makes a completely unrelated comment….they ignore your point and seem to change the topic.
It’s so hard to deepen our understanding of Srila Prabhupada’s teachings when every attempt we make to connect with the teachings is cancelled out by our discussion partner’s antipathy. Frankly I don’t know how we managed to persevere with our initial attempts to discuss the Srimad Bhagavatam and Bhagavad-Gita together. Luckily one day as we were listening to the Chaitanya Charitamrta, these verses really spoke to us:
CC Madhya Lila 24.9: “Generally by Myself I cannot give an explanation, but by the strength of your association something may manifest itself.” (Lord Chaitanya to Sanatana Goswami)
CC Madhya Lila 24.312: “Now, due to your association, another meaning has awakened. It is due to your devotional service that these waves of meaning are arising.” (Lord Chaitanya to Sanatana Goswami)
In both the above verses, Lord Chaitanya expresses His inability to understand the text by His own efforts alone. Rather He tells us that whatever understanding that came to Him, did so because of some quality or action of Sanatana Goswami. He gives the credit of His understandings to Sanatana Goswami. We began to consider, what was Sanatana Goswami doing which Lord Chaitanya said helped him to understand? If we could get some insight to this question, maybe we could also stop hindering each other’s exploration of sastra, and learn how to be more mutually supportive.
Here are some lights we gained:
- Insights from Stephen Covey
- Obstacles to empathic listening, and attendant problems
- Some benefits of overcoming our resistance to empathic hearing
- Sastric evidence of empathic hearing used in spiritual discussions
Insights from Stephen Covey
Around the time the above section of the Caitanya Caritamrta connected with us, we were also reading two other very helpful books: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey, and How to Speak so Kids Will Listen; and Listen so Kids will Talk by Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber. Both of these books introduced us to the power and vital importance of empathic listening in promoting good communication.
Stephen Covey writes:
“The one who listens does the most work, not the one who speaks.”
The above statement very much echoed Lord Caitanya’s sentiments when He credited Sanatana Goswami for the understandings that came to Him. So we decided to try empathically hearing each other. When one of us would say something, the other would actively reflect back what we had understood our discussion partner to mean. This development in our discussion techniques really helped. But we discovered that it was only helpful if our mood was right. If we reflected back half-heartedly or disrespectfully than it was as unhelpful as our previous practices of marginalizing and ignoring each other. This discovery was supported by Stephen Covey in the following extract from his book:
“Empathic listening skills, in part, give others psychological air (open space in which a person may explore feelings, vent emotions, and feel understood without being judged.) These skills include capturing feelings from nonverbal cues, listening attentively, and phrasing empathic responses clearly, supportively, and sincerely. But while all of these skills are important, attitude is even more important for allowing others psychological air. To work effectively, skills must be built on a caring attitude and sincere desire to understand.”
Obstacles to empathic listening….and attendant problems
Many of us can find it a real challenge to really sincerely desire to understand our discussion partner, especially if our discussion partner is our spiritual ‘junior’. This disinclination can be cemented when there is a strong cultural conditioning to think ourselves spiritually superior to our subordinate. We can then feel it’s a waste of our time to actively and caringly hear our wife, child or other subordinate. We become culturally conditioned to believe they should just hear and understand me because I know better than them. This mentality can often make it hard for husbands to have an interactive discussion with their wives, parents with their children, and ‘senior’ devotees with ‘junior’ devotees.
Have you ever had this experience? When the person you are speaking to believes they are your superior and is consequently unable to hear you. How does it make you feel? Maybe it’s only me, but I’m going to confess that after a while, internally I no longer care to hear them either. Because I feel unvalued by them, I find it hard to value what they have to say. Gradually I become as resistant to understanding them, as they are to understanding me.
Some benefits of overcoming our resistance to empathic hearing
Even if we do feel ourselves spiritually superior to someone else, I would suggest that one of the best ways to encourage them to truly hear what you have to say, is by truly hearing what they have to say. What we do speaks louder than what we say. If we model good respectful active hearing we encourage our wife, child, or spiritual junior to do likewise. Good mutual active hearing generates a favourable culture for discussing Srila Prabhupada’s purports and enabling all concerned to feel good and to learn. (By the way, according to Srimad Bhagavatam 3.25.25 we should feel good when discussing Krishna katha with devotees.)
There is another benefit to implementing this principle of empathic hearing which is alluded to in the following verse spoken by Lord Caitanaya in:
CC Madhya Lila 21.145: “Lord Krishna is very merciful to you because by bewildering My mind, He has exposed His personal opulence and sweetness. He has caused you to hear all these things from Me for your understanding.” (Lord Chaitanya to Sanatana Goswami)
In the above verse, Lord Chaitanya suggests that sometimes, Lord Krishna will speak through a third person to us. I think you will agree that all intelligence comes from Krishna. Sometimes, He will guide us directly through our own intelligence, but often He will guide us through another person. Since we have been using this empathic hearing in our discussions at home we have often experienced this phenomenon. Frequently, the Lord will inspire our subordinate to say something that we really needed to hear. So, not only does it help our discussion partner to practice empathic hearing, but it also benefits us.
Sastric evidence of empathic hearing used in spiritual discussions
In my attempts to encourage devotees to use empathic hearing in their discussions, I have met with many objections. Some are just a matter of attitude, such as I can’t be bothered. (I really hope that some of the points I have already covered will help remove this particular objection.)
However, one intelligent devotee’s objection to me was that he didn’t see any direct evidence for the practice of empathic hearing in our scriptures. Rather the model of hearing in our scriptures seems to be that one person speaks and everyone else quietly listens.
H.H Sivarama Swami was the first person to point out to me the following sastric evidence supporting the practice of empathic hearing:
“Verse: Hearing these matters, four-headed Brahma, overwhelmed by a vast treasure of transcendental joy, quietly repeated and agreed with each point he was taught, and then offered his respects again and again at the feet of the Lord.”
Commentary: “….To show understanding of the Lord’s words, Brahma dutifully repeated each point, and confirmed that he agreed completely, before the Lord continued with the next.” -Sri Brihad-Bhagavatamrita; Part Two; Chapter 2 text 134:
Subsequently I have heard other examples. Here are two examples from Jaiva Dharma (I give page references from both the Gaudiya Vedanta Publication and the Brihat Mridanga Press versions):
“Caṇḍīdāsa: Today I have been blessed. Of all the instructions that have flowed from the mouth of the most revered Bābājī Mahāśaya, these are the points I have been able to assimilate.” Jaiva dharma pg 151 (Gaudiya Vedanta Publication)
“Candidasa replied, ‘I was able to assimilate the following from the wonderful spiritual teachings given by the most respectable Ananta dasa Babaji….’” (In Brhat Mrdanga Press version page 105;
In the above extract, Candidasa proceeds to repeat in his own words what he has understood Ananta dasa Babaji to have instructed him. This is an instance of empathic hearing.
A second example from Jaiva Dharma is the following:
“(Lahiri:) Now I hope that you have understood the difference between nitya and naimittika upasana (worship)
Devidasa: Yes. If one worships the sri-vigraha (Deity) of Bhagavän, but does not accept that vigraha as eternal, then it is not worship of an eternal object.” (Gaudiya Vedanta Publication pg 89)
(Lahiri:) “I hope you have been enlightened about the difference between nitya-upasana, eternal deity worship, and naimittika-upasana, temporary ritualistic deity worship.”
‘Devadas, “Yes! If one worships the sri-murti, but does not accept this form as eternal, such worship is material and not spiritual.” -Brhat Mrdanga Press publication page 59
In the above excerpt, Devadas reflects back in his own words what he has understood from Lahiri’s instructions to him. This is another example of empathic hearing.
Then in the Srimad-Bhagavatam 6.1.1-5 Pariksit Maharaja summarizes what he has understood Sukadeva Goswami to have taught so far. This is another example of empathic hearing.