In 2017 I made a post on Facebook which went viral. It was shared 119 times directly from my page, and as far as I am aware more times from other people’s shares. One hundred and seventy devotees commented that they felt inspired by my story. That is why I am sharing it here with some additions and modifications:
I am feeling peaceful and happy. I am writing in the hope that my story will help others similarly become happy.
If you knew my life, you’d know it’s a miracle that I’m still alive and not an alcoholic or in a mental hospital somewhere.
I was an unwanted child. My mother hated my father, understandably so. She divorced him while she was pregnant with me. She was desperate to have me aborted. She tried twice to abort me, and twice Krishna foiled her.
I was sent away to boarding school in a foreign country (England) at the age of four. Often, I’d be alone in the school during Easter or Christmas holidays when all the other children had gone home to their families.
The school authorities took my school tie and dressing gown belt off me because I used to try and strangle myself with them.
When I was eleven, my older brother tried to commit suicide by slitting his wrists. My mother decided to give us the choice of staying in boarding school or going to live with her and her new husband. I chose to go home.
I had dreamt of being reunited with my mother from the age of 4 to 11. But going home had its own pains. She would daily tell me of the two occasions when she tried to abort me. She never ended the story by saying, ‘I’m so glad I didn’t manage it because I love you.’ In fact, she never told me she loved me until I was 45…by which time those words no longer meant anything to me.
I was, in most ways, a disappointment to my mother. She was elegant, charming, socially very adept, beautiful, a good homemaker, and an excellent cook. I had none of these qualities and was subsequently an embarrassment to her, and she let me know it.
I often contemplated suicide. The only thing that prevented me from acting on that impulse was the fear of the pain involved.
As I became a young adult, I was daunted by the idea of getting through life, but I’d act full of bravado so as not to seem a loser to other people.
When I was 25, my suicidal thoughts were becoming very strong. I thought about what lay ahead of me: a job I hated, marrying someone I didn’t love, having children I never wanted, growing old, diseased and death. I thought, why go through all the suffering in between? Let me just get to the end: death. For some unknown reason, as I was thinking like this, a prayer escaped my lips: “Oh God! What is the point of my life? Why am I here?” Then I took the prayer back: “I don’t even believe in God! I don’t know why I’m praying to you! I take it back!”
Too late! He had heard me. That evening after work, I found a Back to Godhead magazine and read an article by Ravindra Svarupa entitled Immortal Longings, and Sex, which answered nearly all my questions.
At the back of the magazine were the addresses of all ISKCON temples. The next day, I rushed to the London temple right after work, and three weeks later, I joined the bhaktin programme.
However, I was not happy in the ladies’ ashram. The devotees expressed great appreciation for my ‘intelligent’ questions when I was a visitor, but their attitude towards me abruptly changed once I joined. They no longer appreciated my philosophical questions and would chide me not to be “over intelligent” and to simply do as I was told.
I had risked a lot by joining. My whole family rejected me, and on the devotees’ request, I donated my savings to the temple. Furthermore, since I left my job without completing a one-month notice, my employers threatened to ensure I never found employment again. As I had no immediate options, I didn’t leave.
After nine months, Jayatirtha initiated me. Initiations at the time were like a factory line. You took initiation from the local ‘zonal acharya’ when you were told to. There was no choice in the matter. Shortly after my initiation, Jayatirtha left ISKCON, and most of his disciples went with him. I blindly followed the crowd. After a torturous year, we found out about his fall downs with LSD and illicit sex, and most of us came back. As a result of this episode, I completely lost my faith, but as I had nowhere else to go, I returned to the temple. Over the next few months, Krishna worked some miracles in my life, my faith returned, and I took initiation from Bhagavan das.
Those next years were also challenging. Bhagavan was a big spender, and his disciples had to foot the bill. The one-month Christmas and Summer marathons became two, then three, and then four months long. When we were not on sankirtan (which had become a euphemism for collecting money), the ladies were kept busy cooking, cleaning, deity worship, and rendering various personal services to the ‘senior’ devotees. We were expected to read Srila Prabhupada’s books in the car to and from ‘sankirtan’, but I would nod off from exhaustion during those rides.
I was introduced to my husband right after the four-month 1984 Christmas Marathon. The marathon schedules were gruelling. The ladies ‘sankirtan’ party slept in bunkbeds on the second floor of the London temple (one long room at the time.) We were herded out onto the streets at 7 am and not allowed back in until 7 pm. Many devotees ‘blooped’ (an ISKCON slang meaning ‘to leave Krishna consciousness’). I remember praying before Radha Londonisvara,
“Dear Lord, I don’t think I can physically take any more of this. I want to be your devotee. If you want me, please help.”
That day on sankirtan, the public was uncharacteristically kind and generous towards me; someone even gave me a £300 donation. By lunchtime, I had collected £475! I felt Krishna was telling me that he had accepted my prayer. At the end of that Marathon, I was introduced to my husband, and he immediately took charge of my work schedule, ensuring I had time to read Srila Prabhupada’s books.
We were formally married six months after meeting, and after eight months of marriage, we went to Manchester to start a preaching centre. I was fully engaged in preaching for the first few years, and I felt blissful. After our third child, however, I became a stay-at-home mum. I could no longer join the centre’s programme, and I chanted alone at home while my husband joined the devotees. My sadhana became very weak. Furthermore, my husband, who ran the Manchester Hare Krishna Centre, was also the UK National Secretary. Through him, I began hearing some of ISKCON’s scandals. (There was no social media then, so most of us knew nothing of these.)
My weak sadhana plus my new awareness of ISKCON’s internal troubles resulted in again losing my faith. My husband, however, still had his.
If we didn’t have three young children, I would have found a way of leaving Krishna consciousness at that time, with or without my husband. However, as I pondered my options, an inner voice spoke to me. “If you leave now, you will suffer greatly in your life. Instead, begin to study Srila Prabhupada’s books.”
Fortunately, I heeded that advice, and when my children were asleep, I would sit with Bhagavad–gita and write down one sentence at a time. Underneath, I would explain in my own words what I understood. Below that, I wrote my questions, and when my husband came home, I would assail him with my doubts and misgivings. Thankfully, he was very patient, and we would discuss the sections which disturbed me (usually the comments about women) until we began seeing them from a perspective that made sense to both of us. Slowly, I regained my faith.
Over the next few years, we heard many instructions from Srila Prabhupada that encouraged us to discuss Bhagavad-gita and Srimad Bhagavatam with each other daily.
Initially, we would argue a lot during our discussions, and the experience could be harrowing and discouraging for us both. However, as we continued to listen to Srila Prabhupada’s lectures and apply his instructions, the tenor and mood of our discussions slowly changed for the better, and both of us agreed they were the most nourishing and important part of our day.
We later collated and categorised all the instructions that brought about this positive transformation in our lives and have shared them on the Principles menu.
After five years of discussing sastra, we left Manchester and returned to the Manor community. There, I connected with devotees struggling to one degree or another and tried to help by sharing our discussion experience. This was around 2002, and these attempts were the birth of Improving Sanga, although it would not be until many years later that we adopted this name.
The next ten years were difficult for us. Neither of us had worked in the outside world for over twenty years. We were also £20,000 in debt. Some of that debt we had accrued while running the Manchester Centre to cover its overheads and pay ISCKON taxes, and some we had accrued trying to survive after leaving our service in Manchester. Although I had regained my faith, I was intensely anxious about our future and our ability to provide for and protect our children.
We were also both struggling emotionally. As our children grew, the childhood traumas we had each experienced were repeatedly triggered. Around this time, my husband showed me a letter Srila Prabhupada wrote to his disciple Bhagavatananda das in which he wrote:
“Try to always study our books and see our philosophy from different lights of directions, become convinced yourself of this knowledge and without a doubt all of your difficulties of mind will disappear forever and you will see Krishna face-to-face.”
— Srila Prabhupada letter to Bhagavatananda, July 8th 1972
I took much courage from this letter. It felt like Srila Prabhupada was assuring us that Krishna would help us through this challenging time.
Indeed, during the next ten years, Krishna worked one miracle after another. My husband found a job which enabled us to pay off all our debts while continuing our home sadhana; we were given a brand-new housing association property near the Manor. I also learned how to use a tapping therapy called EFT to overcome my suicidal ideation. Our lives slowly came out of chaos.
I look back now and am overwhelmed by how Krishna extricated us from our difficulties. The first half of Srila Prabhupada’s promise had come true: we discussed his books daily from different perspectives, and Krishna had removed all our difficulties. This miraculous turnaround in our lives is the chief reason I am so passionate to share these principles with you.
I hope you will conclude that if applying these principles helped me survive and thrive, they can help you too. I humbly invite you to join our community, learn how to apply the Improving Sanga principles, and experience the consequent healing in your life.
Your servant,
Chintamani Dhama dasi
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